Advice to the Criminally Lovelorn

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

A colleague in San Francisco wrote to ask how in the world a new criminal defense attorney might go about finding new clients. He’s already discovered that passing out business cards at most social gatherings implies an unfortunate assumption about the people you’re advising to give you a call next time they commit a crime.

So in the spirit of sharing my own vast knowledge (and because I don’t get invited to parties much anymore), here are the Top Ten Ways To Win Clients for Your Criminal Defense Practice:

• 10. Join a biker gang.
• 9. Throw a party for the neighborhood drug dealers.
• 8. Place an ad in “Mafia Today.”
• 7. Buy a Lincoln.
• 6. Commit a minor crime that won’t get you disbarred, and do some quality networking in jail.
• 5. Start a campaign to criminalize coffee.
• 4. Change your name to Philip Corleone. (Use your own first name: that one’s taken.)
• 3. Attend a different Catholic church every Sunday and chat up some altar boys.
• 2. Meet a few working girls and tell them, no, really, I just want to talk.
• 1. Stop trying to cultivate criminal defense attorneys — they’re just as desperate for clients as you are — and pal up with some plain old…criminal…attorneys.