Top Ten Bits of Legitimate Political Discourse at the Jan. 6 Attack on the Capitol

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

10. The then-President commands his troops, um, supporters, to march on the Capitol and demand that Congress give him back the Presidency. “And I’ll be there with you!” he courageously promises but is thwarted when the White House doctor reminds him that a walk of more than fifty steps might easily trigger the bone spurs of even the most courageous obese hero.

9. Representative Lauren Boebert smuggles her Glock into House Chamber, says it’s necessary to restore order in case legitimate elector slate shows up.

8. White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows advises his boss it would be better not to giggle the next time he sees a Capitol policeman nearly beaten to death.

7. “Excuse me,” one of the normal tourists politely asks a cop, “but would you mind removing your eye from the tip of my thumb?”

6. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene says she has ultimate proof Joe Biden lost the election, producing affidavit personally sworn by Q.

5. Senator Josh Hawley offers slightly less convincing proof; says he heard it from the guy in the Viking hat.

4. Congressman Jim Jordan, whilst eyeing an attractive young wrestler, says he too’s not convinced Biden is the winner, but what about that boy there?

3. Senator Ted Cruz holds emergency press conference in front of yet another porno parlor, affirming the defeat, at the same time admitting his father really did kill JFK and his wife really wasn’t nearly as pretty as Melania.

2. President-elect Biden warns of “severe consequences” if protestors invade the Capitol, if not in this life, then in the next, maybe.

And the Number One Top Ten Bit of Legitimate Political Discourse at the Jan. 6 Attack on the Capitol:

“Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!”