Trumpelstiltskin

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

How many times do we have to step on this roach?

The only two-legged insect ever elected to the White House (though not by popular vote — most of us don’t like odious insects) said today he wants to do it again. Even if he has to serve from behind bars.

So, once more unto the breach with the greatest threat to criminal justice and human rights — not to mention democracy — that the United States, and an appalled rest of the world, has more or less (usually less, at least among invertebrate politicians at home) faced.

Some of the lowlights from his announcement, dully delivered in a monotone reading off teleprompters:

Even longer than Woodrow Wilson, he said, he kept us out of war. “I’ve gone decades — decades — without a war. I’m the first president to do it.” (To be fair, his four years did feel like decades. And he hasn’t wanted to go to war since his bone spur years.)

He referenced foreign nations, “many of whom find us detestable,” and “speaking of us with scorn and laughter and derision.” Apparently using the objective form of the royal “we.”

He fears invasion, and not just by the FBI.

“Our country,” he said, “is being invaded by millions and millions of unknown people, many of whom are entering for a very bad and sinister reason — and you know what that reason is.” (Every white nationalist does: they want our women.)

He really likes the death penalty as a response to both violent and nonviolent crime, a sort of final solution he says he learned from the Chinese despot Xi Jinping. He asked Xi if China had a drug problem. “He looked at me like I didn’t know what I was doing,” he said. (Everyone looks at him like that.) Xi told him why China didn’t have a drug problem. He loved it, so as soon as he’s president again “we’re going to be asking everyone who sells drugs…to receive the death penalty.” Same for human traffickers, though he didn’t mention whether that would include personal friends like his dead pal Jeffrey Epstein and his living dead pal Matt Gaetz.

He expressed fond admiration of Xi’s idea of a quick trial. “That is where,” he gushed, “you get caught dealing drugs, you have an immediate and quick trial, and by the end of the day you’re executed.”

His vision for American justice.

He wants more respect for police.

“The police are being treated so badly,” said the man responsible for one hundred fifty injuries and several deaths of police when he turned an armed mob upon them shortly before leaving office.

On the plus side, it looks like he’s been working out: he only needed one hand this time to lift his little water bottle to his lips.

Touting his famous ability to get along with everyone, he said, “We love both sides.” Reprising the love he showed for both Nazis and Jews in Charlottesville.

He implies he’s doing everyone a favor by running again. “I didn’t need this.” he said. “A lot of you people don’t need it either.” No kidding.

At one point he said he wanted to introduce a child. Turned out it was his little boy Eric Trump. Right.

Finally, he announced he has plans to go to Mars.

I hope he goes sometime soon. Before 2024 would be ideal.