Philip Rosmarin

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it:

Donald Trump tried to get his then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions to unrecuse himself so he could order the special counsel Robert Mueller to fuhgeddaboud 2016 and instead focus his investigation on preventing future election interference.

Thanks to a government whistle-blower, we now know that future election interference was exactly what the President himself was focused on.

These nine pages, the whistle she or he blew, need to be read by every American, and by every citizen of the world who cares for democracy. We have a republic, but only if we can keep it.

Whistle-Blower Complaint

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

No collusion.

Just a grateful embrace of the Putin plot to elect his puppet President. A call out to Russia to keep it coming. Thank you for your service. For your social media disinformation campaign. For your hacking operations. For all the meet-and-greets. I couldn’t have done it without you.

But, no collusion. Not, no evidence of collusion, of conspiracy. Remember the thirty-seven indictments? Lots of lies, lots of deleted files, lots of stonewalling to impede the investigation. So yes, evidence, but not sufficient evidence to support criminal charges provable beyond a reasonable doubt.

Lots of criminals do very well for themselves that way.

Take seven minutes and read how Donald Trump did it:

Executive Summary — Conspiracy

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Well, it doesn’t matter how I see it, it’s how anyone with eyes and six minutes of time will see it.

No obstruction.

That’s not what Robert Mueller said. He said it wasn’t his job to charge a President of the United States with a federal crime. That because a Justice Department Office of Legal Counsel opinion states a sitting President cannot be indicted, it wasn’t even an option he could consider.

That’s Congress’s job. So instead he gave them a road map that even five hundred thirty-five blind men and women could follow.

Spend six minutes and follow it yourself:

Executive Summary — Obstruction of Justice

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

I love it when the sentient Orange Julius who is President of the United States is overseas shaking hands with one foreign leader after another who wonders where that little hand has been.

The crime wave that is the Trump Administration has left our shores. The air smells fresh again. The sun is just a little brighter; our step, just a little lighter.

It could always be like that.

A lawyer I know, invested with the quasi authority to act as agent for the President, is even now looking at an investment opportunity that would save the big guy from both impeachment and criminal indictment.

Turns out that the government of Pitcairn Island, unlike our own, is not only not hostile to immigration, but views it as a national security imperative. With a total population of fifty (maybe only forty-nine at the moment: the demographic skews to the elderly, most of them descendants of Marlon Brando), the governing Island Council is encouraging new migrants bigly.

Encouraging, as in giving land away for settlement. The Island Council supplies the land, no charge, and all the migrant has to bring are the building materials and the salt and pepper shakers.

The Pitcairn Imperative: If you give it, they will build. Cheapest deal for a foreigner since Trump told everyone Mexico would pay for The Wall.

So the lawyer, at the implicit direction of the President himself — who’s always looking for a cheap deal — has contacted Pitcairn government authorities to explore the immigration possibilities for Donald John Trump, with the following query which he’s exclusively leaked to me:

If the people of the United States of America are able to persuade him, would Donald Trump be welcome on Pitcairn?

How many members of his family would he be allowed to bring with him?

Any members of his cabinet?

Would he have to disclose any tax returns?

Will he be able to bring his gold toilet with him?

I apologize, but he would want me to ask: can he just buy Pitcairn Island?

Best of luck with the deal, Mr. President. I really mean that.

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Things you can do in the United States in less than a minute:

Get a third of the way to the perfect soft-boiled egg.

If you’re the current President of the United States, be halfway through a romantic session initiated by your never-fail go-to, the pussy grab.

Kill nine people and wound twenty-seven others.

Dayton’s was the second mass shooting in America in less than twenty-four hours.

But it was just another day at the Oval Office for Donald Trump, who immediately suggested we need stronger background checks, then did his own background check with Wayne LaPierre over to the N.R.A. and remembered oh, yeah, we already have good enough background checks.

That’s our President pictured above, celebrating the first mass shooting of that day, in El Paso.

Every mass shooting it’s the same thing. Thoughts and prayers, vague promises, I never said that, those moving lips you saw on TV weren’t mine, fake news.

Again and again.

Forget it, Don. It’s Toledo.