Philip Rosmarin

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

10. Students, scientists, climate fans, and unemployed Russian spies suffered physical fitness hits with fewer political marches. (On the bright side, women’s march physical fitness benefits curiously spiked.)

9. Too many patriots languishing in prisons for misunderstood playful frolicking at U.S. Capitol.

8. Proud Boys are sixty-seven percent less proud.

7. Fewer big loud political rallies where people get to test medical theories about mysterious disease, some successfully.

6. Senior citizens feel like slackers because so many of their tribe are running for president.

5. Because major party candidate sat out primary debates, laughter index also went way down.

4. Newscasts again looking like outtakes of “The Apprentice.”

3. News in general isn’t as amusing these days.

2. Much lower job turnover in top government administrative posts, idling unskilled labor force.

And the Number One Top Ten Reason the U.S. Ranks lower in Global Happiness:

1. Not enough people have sent Donald Trump Cheeseburger-of-the-Month Gift Subscriptions.

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Congressman Jason Crow wrote the other day to ask me to contribute the $15.79 I’d otherwise spend on Lauren Boebert’s fantastic somewhat new book to his own reelection campaign instead. Between the time he wrote me and the time I am writing this, her book’s been cut to a way more reasonable $5.90, and if I actually contributed to people’s campaigns in other people’s districts, I’d…

Wait…Lauren Boebert’s written a book?

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The 2024 Presidential Greatness Project somehow ranked Abraham Lincoln a greater president than Donald Trump, a close forty-four places behind. The good news was that he didn’t place any lower than the first time he was included in the survey of one hundred fifty four political scientists.

Trump reportedly called the project unfair because this time there was one more president to include, so the fact he went down one place might give people a false impression of his performance.

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The comedic news commentator John Oliver offered Clarence Thomas a million dollars a year to take early retirement. Plus he’s throwing in a two point four million-dollar sexed-up motor-coach so he can dump those boring super-yacht trips.

The Supreme Court Justice has till 19 March to decide if he’d like to spend the rest of his days motoring in the posh tour bus, ethically challenged no more.

One court insider said Thomas hasn’t been so thrilled since he offered Anita Hill a sip of his Coke. But It’s a clear effort to buy off one of the highest judges in the land.

And it’s a crowded field.

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

There’s a sucker born every minute.

But Donald Trump knows better. He knows there are two suckers born every minute. As I write this, four million five hundred sixty-six thousand nine hundred eighty-eight suckers have been born since the big boy was too lazy to take the stairs to announce his candidacy to become the worst, most vile, most corrupt, but not quite most overweight president in the history of the United States.

Luckily none of those suckers can vote for him this time out. But more than sixteen times as many suckers voted for him in 2020, and there is no hard evidence that any of them have gotten any smarter.

In fact there seems no limit to how far they’ll go to prove what pretty patsies they are. They’re more likely to send him money than buy their own babies any new pairs of shoes.

Falsify business records to cover up another crime? Buy me some lawyers; after all, I did it for you. And you oughtn’t worry that your money will go to the lawyers rather than to your favorite fascist — he’s too rich to be bothered with paying bills.

Steal top secrets and share them at parties? Hey, I’m just like you; these make for great stories I get to tell again and again. Though he may have told them to too many for actual legal security — so please, keep the checks coming.

Overthrow the government of the United States? You never liked it anyway; I’m just the expression of your will. For that, you gotta pay.

Rape a woman? Send me money; I did it for you, and I hope you enjoyed it. He’s boasted of raping and otherwise sexually mishandling many many women, and over two dozen have said so. He has a habit of paying folks to shut up about what he’s done. Or, really, you do.

Why do so many Americans keep going down this same rat hole, for this same rat? Why not dust off the rat mess and do something different.

Next time he asks you to pay for his sins, send him something more like what he’s really playing you for.

A bag of lollies.

A small one will do.

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

I can’t remember the last time I cited the Bible in a brief to the court, or closing argument to a jury.

Can’t remember the last time I said, you know what the Torah tells you. Or, you better not question the Quran, or put down the Upanishads, or mess with the Mahayana, or even tussle with the Tao.

Maybe that’s because Colorado is one of those states that take separation of church and themselves a little more seriously than some. I don’t know why, but Alabama comes to mind.

That state’s Supreme Court decision governing in-vitro fertilization cites God (no doubt a respectable if not legal authority) forty-one times. Quotes the prophet Jeremiah, and some probably lesser authorities like Petrus Van Mastricht, Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin, and Charlton Heston — no, sorry, that was Moses.

The court’s Chief Justice, who provided most of those cites, says of the embryos:

“Carving out an exception for the people in this case, small as they were, would be unacceptable to the People of this State, who have required us to treat every human being in accordance with the fear of a holy God, who made them in His image.”

Would that the court actually do that, with considerably larger people, who happen to be woman, or black, or 2SLGBTQI+, or…well, you know what I mean.

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

The number of civilians killed in U.S. post-9/11 wars is more than four hundred thirty-two thousand.

Two million civilians died in the Vietnam War. One and one-half million in the Korean War. In World War II, thirty-eight million. Six million of those last were Jews, whose genocide led to the establishment of the Jewish state, Israel.

The Israel-Hamas War may have taken as many as nineteen thousand Palestinian civilians, if you can simultaneously believe both sides’ accounts.

Israel’s been hauled before the International Court of Justice after an allegation by South Africa that it is engaged in genocide against Palestinians in its war against Hamas. So far nobody has suggested that the leaders of Hamas — whose founding charter openly calls for genocide against Israelis, and in fact any Jew that can be found anywhere else — be called before any court.

I wonder why.

The author, neuroscientist, and philosopher Sam Harris, whom I’ve called on before to unravel this sort of knot, wonders too, and I wish everyone with a moral compass, and everyone without one, would hear him out, on “5 Myths about Israel and the War in Gaza.”