Cabinet of Adorables

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Near as I can tell, these are the key things to know about the new Republican President’s members of the Cabinet (with thanks to NBC News):

Vice President Mike Pence

• Master of the steely-eyed gaze, though CNN and other top fake news outlets report it’s probably the result of a medical condition.

• Persuaded Syrian refugees they’d like Illinois much better than Indiana.

• Treats gays no better and no worse than any other lesbian, bi, or transgender pervert.

• Converted to Republican Party after listening to Ronald Reagan, though because he was only a teenager when he heard Reagan say, “By golly, I’m the richest man in six counties,” he might not have understood Bedtime for Bonzo was only a movie.

• Never did become a billionaire anyway.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

• Personal friend of President Putin, so knows his way around presidents.

• No government or public service experience, so he knows his way around our President.

• Only half a billionaire (though who knows how much he’s got in Russia).

Secretary of Defense James Mattis

• Marine general, but retired, so isn’t sure it’s “Oorah!” or “Rahoo!”

• Wishes President Trump would call him “Mad Dog” maybe only every other time.

• Agrees with Congress that civilian control of military just a silly old cornerstone of American democracy.

• Disagrees with President and Tillerson that Russia isn’t really a threat but more of a business opportunity.

• The “Warrior Monk” is a mere millionaire.

Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin

• Knows almost as much about going bankrupt as his new boss.

• Said he would make sure any issues about the President’s foreign debts would go away as soon as possible.

• Gained a lot of good experience by foreclosing on loads of active-duty military families.

• Hopes that will make up for otherwise no government experience.

• Barely worth three hundred million dollars.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions

• Can’t understand those Democrats who think he won’t defend minority groups just because he never has before.

• Thinks LGBTQ folk already have way too many protections and letters.

• All those racist comments he made when running for judge were just because he didn’t really want the job.

• Another near pauper with six million bucks to spend.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo

• Not really in favor of waterboarding, though might bring it back for old times’ sake, but would like to hear more about those “other torture things” the President mentioned.

• Agrees Russians interfered with U.S. election, but how else you gonna explain what happened?

• Support for mass surveillance of everyday Americans made him the perfect candidate for top spy.

• Keeping his net worth a secret, just to prove he can keep a secret.

Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross

• When asked about his public service, asked, “What’s public service?”

• Never met a subprime mortgage he didn’t like.

• Perfect for overseeing bankruptcies.

• Billionaire, natch.

Secretary of Health & Human Services Tom Price

• Would implement Republicans’ Obamacare replacement plan, if only they had one.

• Says the health care industry legislation he sponsored or co-sponsored during alleged insider trading deals were just forty-four lucky coincidences.

• Promises to give everyone access to health care, even if they can’t actually get any.

• Two-figure multimillionaire.

Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao

• Already been in Labor, time to get moving.

• Is there no one who doesn’t like this person?

• Oh, wait…she’s married to Mitch McConnell.

• This person is a saint.

• She’s got twenty-four million dollars, but it’s not her fault: her dad was a shipping magnate — another reason she’s perfect for Transportation.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

• Already agreed to do the job before learning it had something to do with public education.

• Felt better when realized she’d be able to get the public to pay for private schools.

• Felt even better when somebody suggested she might even de-fund public schools altogether.

• Came perilously close to a principled stand the other day.

• Yup, billionaire.

Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly

• Retired Marine four-star general.

• Goes where no military man has gone before.

• Must keep straight face while implementing the President’s immigration proposals.

• Don’t tell Trump, but thinks the idea of walling off Mexico hilarious.

• Millionaire.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin

• Promoted from Undersecretary of Veterans Affairs.

• First Trump guy unanimously approved.

• Actually a real doctor, if not a real veteran.

• A millionaire, but only just.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley

• Pledged to speak up when she disagrees with President Trump, but then heard he’s going around firing people who disagree with him.

• Relieved to learn the President doesn’t really talk much with his Cabinet anyway.

• Would have warned him about that two-state Israel/Palestine thing if Trump really did talk much with his Cabinet.

• Doesn’t support a Muslim registry, but may have thought they were talking about a wedding registry.

• Not even two million dollars.

Administrator of the EPA Scott Pruitt

• Sued the EPA more times than Elizabeth Taylor sued for divorce.

• Promises to reconsider his crusade to destroy the EPA.

• Believes the climate changes, but people can’t do anything about it.

• Loves oil.

• Really, really loves oil.

• Five million dollars at best.

Budget Director Mick Mulvaney

• Tea Party guy, welcome to the T Party.

• Would rather shut down the government than increase the budget, and brother, shutting down the government sounds good to me lately.

• Forgot to budget pesky payroll taxes for the nanny, but promises to do better with the national purse.

• Three million Washingtons.

Administrator of the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon

• Literally the only appointment the President has wrestled over.

• Been trying to get to Washington for years, but failed in two Senatorial bids.

• Donated five million dollars to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, millions more to Republican candidates.

• Co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment — fake sport.

• Ten years ago, her husband, Vince, “wrestled” Donald Trump, using seconds, the winner of the match to shave the loser’s head. Because it was a fake sport, Donald won.

• They called it the Battle of the Billionaires.

• They’re all still billionaires. There are more to come.

If only Vince had won, and shaved Donald’s stupid orange hair, who knows?