Help Yourself

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Got a nice letter today from my county treasurer. Came with a self-portrait; he’s got a big grin on his face (they always smile when they take your money). This year, he explains, he really needs my help when I pay my taxes. I like the way he says it: “This year, you can help my small staff to be more efficient and provide better service if” I blah blah blah. It reminded me of what I sometimes hear from other pitiful agents of the state.

More than once a district attorney has asked me essentially the same thing: “Can you help me out here?”

The shortest and best answer is, “No,” with the “o” stretched out and rising in pitch at the end. These poor guys with their small staffs (Freudian?). Never mind they have the power of the entire state on their side. I’ve just got me.

No, mister or Ms. district attorney, I can’t help you out. You’re trying to put my client behind bars, and honestly, many times I don’t see that you care whether he or she ought to be there. It’s not even that I’d really like to help you out if I could. I don’t want to help. In. Any. Way.

But, thanks for asking. I really appreciate it.