Ninety-Nine Bottles

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Every once in a while a blog called Drunk & Disorderly ought to run a story about somebody being drunk, or disorderly, or maybe both.

So I perked right up when I heard that not just one — not even just two — but three cities in my home state were named best cities for beer drinkers in America (that is to say, in the United States — there are plenty of fine beer-drinking cities in the rest of the Americas).

That would be good news for any beer-blooded American, but it’s really good news for any lawyer who’s ever done a DUI. We’re talking job security, son.

Denver leads the way in Colorado, at No. 7. Fort Collins up north sneaked into the Top Ten this year, at No. 10. And Boulder, where I live, just missed the cut, at No. 11. I feel a little guilty about that, because I hate beer, or at least the taste of it: I think it tastes like horse piss. Don’t ask how I know. But I feel if I liked it just a little bit, we could’ve pushed into the upper ranks.

Everybody else knows beer is good (that’s actually the wi-fi password of one of the restaurants around here). It’s got some good vitamins. It’s better than eating ice cream or steak, and much better than eating both of those together. You don’t have to brush your teeth as much. It may reduce inflammation, a big help to people who fall down a lot while drinking beer.

It’s said that when he heard no state had better beer-drinking conditions in the entire country, Brett Kavanaugh booked his entire Supreme Court summer recess for Colorado. He really liked beer in high school and college, all his friends — boys and girls — really liked beer, they all still like beer. He found it particularly excellent for forgetting a series of unfortunate events.

Oh, and the No. 1 beer-drinking city?

Portland. I wonder if Oregon has reciprocity for Colorado lawyers.