Qualifications

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Just like for some high offices in our fair land, it requires character and fitness to be even just a plainspoken lawyer in my home state. I know that, because there’s a rule for it. Rule 208.

Rule 208 says all applicants must meet all of the following essential eligibility requirements to qualify for admission to the practice of law in Colorado:

(a) The ability to be honest and candid with clients, lawyers, courts, regulatory authorities and others (for example, a Colorado lawyer would never boast of his prowess with a jury of twelve when all he’s ever had was a paltry three)

(b) The ability to reason logically, recall complex factual information and accurately analyze legal problems (A Colorado lawyer would never argue that the prosecution’s argument is a goddamn Chinese hoax)

(c) The ability to communicate with clients, lawyers, courts and others with a high degree of organization and clarity (A Colorado lawyer would never tell a client she’ll get back to you in a very short period of time, but you’re going to be very disappointed when you hear the answer)

(d) The ability to use good judgment on behalf of clients and in conducting one’s professional business (A Colorado lawyer would never mix her money with the client’s money as if they’re the same thing)

(e) The ability to conduct oneself with respect for and in accordance with the law (A Colorado lawyer would never address the judge as “Your So-Called Honor”)

(f) The ability to avoid acts which exhibit disregard for the rights or welfare of others (A Colorado lawyer would never even attempt to gain the attention of a juror by grabbing his or her private bits)

(g) The ability to comply with the requirements of the Rules of Professional Conduct, applicable state, local, and federal laws, regulations, statutes and any applicable order of a court or tribunal (A Colorado lawyer would never say, oh, none of those apply to me)

(h) The ability to act diligently and reliably in fulfilling one’s obligations to clients, lawyers, courts and others (A Colorado lawyer would never postpone fulfilling her duties — any duty — for yet another eighteen holes on the green)

(i) The ability to use honesty and good judgment in financial dealings on behalf of oneself, clients and others (A Colorado lawyer would never…wait…honesty?)

(j) The ability to comply with deadlines and time constraints (A Colorado lawyer would never…like I said, I’ll get back to you)

[Any resemblance to actual Presidents of the United States, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.]