Top Ten Reasons the U.S. Ranks Lower in Global Happiness

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

10. Students, scientists, climate fans, and unemployed Russian spies suffered physical fitness hits with fewer political marches. (On the bright side, women’s march physical fitness benefits curiously spiked.)

9. Too many patriots languishing in prisons for misunderstood playful frolicking at U.S. Capitol.

8. Proud Boys are sixty-seven percent less proud.

7. Fewer big loud political rallies where people get to test medical theories about mysterious disease, some successfully.

6. Senior citizens feel like slackers because so many of their tribe are running for president.

5. Because major party candidate sat out primary debates, laughter index also went way down.

4. Newscasts again looking like outtakes of “The Apprentice.”

3. News in general isn’t as amusing these days.

2. Much lower job turnover in top government administrative posts, idling unskilled labor force.

And the Number One Top Ten Reason the U.S. Ranks lower in Global Happiness:

1. Not enough people have sent Donald Trump Cheeseburger-of-the-Month Gift Subscriptions.